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March 11, 2010
The Final 12 were chosen tonight, so I'm giving you a short guide to distinguish the contestants from one another.
Oh! And Blind Scott and Herpes Head Matt did a duet and it was epically bad.
Anyways...
Aaron Kelly - Kinda looks like Haley Joel Osment in "The Sixth Sense."
Andrew Garcia - Has a neck tattoo. Will never have a job besides musician, artist, or garbage collector.
Casey James - If I had to make a choice, he'd be the contestant I'd most like to have sex with.
Crystal Bowersox - Hippie chick. Pretty sure she doesn't shave her legs.
Didi Benami - Dumb name. Also, dumb looking face.
Katie Stevens - Jailbait favorite.
Lacey Brown - Doesn't know there's such a thing as too much accessorizing. Will probably be kicked off first.
Lee Dewyze - Looks like any dude you can find in any frat house anywhere in America.
Michael Lynche - If he wins, it's Reuben Studdard all over again.
Paige Miles - I forgot she was even in the competition.
Siobhan Magnus - Former glass blower's apprentice. That's one hell of a back-up career. Don't inhale.
Tim Urban - If Casey wasn't in the competition, he'd be the contestant I'd most like to have sex with.
By the way, next week's theme: Rolling Stones songs. This is going to be one crappy ass season.
March 10, 2010
9:02pm: Lee is singing "Fireflies" by Owl City, which is about this guy describing all these fireflies coming into his room at night and then he feels the earth spin slowly so, yeah, he was totally baked when he wrote it.
9:11pm: Alex Lambert needs to cut his mullet so he can sing better. Ok, I don't know if that will help, but if you're going to suck this bad, you should at least not look like three dogs die every time your porch collapses.
9:16pm: Three contestants, three acoustic guitars. Someone needs to explain to me why every college guy that can figure out the intro to "Stairway to Heaven" on a guitar while sitting in his college dorm room thinks he's the next Dave Matthews.
9:19pm: While the other judges engage in some playful banter, Ellen just sits there and looks like that kid at the lunch table that no one talks to.
9:26pm: Four, four acoustic guitars. Ah ah ah. You know, if the next guy comes out in shutter shades playing hackey sack, I wouldn't be surprised.
9:34pm: You know another show that has overstayed its welcome like Idol? The Simpsons. Seriously, has anything good come out of that show since season nine?
9:35pm: Jesus Christ, were they handing out guitars to the first 500 fans who walked through the door tonight? I hope the next guy singing made it in on time because, if not, he'll be playing a Ryan Seacrest bobblehead doll.
9:38pm: Thank you, God, that Aaron's not playing guitar. He does suck, but I came in expecting eight out of eight singers to do that tonight.
9:47pm: Toddrick Hall sings "Somebody to Love." Freddie Mercury would be rolling in his grave. It's not because he sucked, but I think Freddie would be horrified by his baggy pants and hiking boots.
9:57pm: Kara's crying because of Big Mike's performance and is also giving him a standing ovation. She probably had to use Paula's old dressing room tonight and drank that "water" that she left in there.
March 9, 2010
Tonight's Idol was on at 8:00pm and tomorrow night's is on at 9:00pm. Guess who got those mixed up...
I promise I'll be less of a dumbass tomorrow night.
March 4, 2010
So, two girls that deserved it and some other dude got the boot and, apparently, Jermaine Sellers didn't have the chance to remind God to call in and vote for him. Oh, and Dead Wife Danny was on and was his usual sucky self. No, I didn't watch again. Idol cut into my social life last season and that's not going to happen again!!
March 3, 2010
Last week, I didn't watch the guys perform, so, this week, I'm not watching the girls do their performances. Now that's what I call equal opportunity ignore-ment.
March 2, 2010
8:00pm: Instead of the girls singing tonight, the boys will be doing the singing because that hippie chick ended up in the hospital. Prognosis: bad acid trip.
8:09pm: Ellen needs to stop telling jokes. I was going to say she needs to stop trying to be funny, but she never started.
8:11pm: Ugh, some dude is singing John Mayer after the break. I'm just going to change the channel and save myself the aneurism.
8:29pm: Casey Johnson doesn't own a TV and hasn't had one since he was seven. Oh my God, how do you live?!
8:35pm: Kara is distancing herself from Ellen so much she's practically sitting in Simon's lap. I hope a huge Jerry Springer-esque war of words goes down before the end of the season. Maybe a few chair throws in there, too, just for good measure.
8:40pm: This kid's wearing a plaid jacket and rocking a mullet. If anyone's interested, I think there's now an opening for a car salesman in West Virginia.
8:54pm: Toddrick Hall sings "What's Love Got to do With It." Waiting on the person to go Ike Turner on his ass after that performance...
9:11pm: Jermaine Sellers is told by the judges that he probably won't be around next week. Jermaine: "I know God. I know God." You better hope God has AT&T and fast texting fingers.
9:27pm: So tonight the contestants reveal more about their personal lives. This kid from PA says he loves being a photographer. I'm so sick of everyone thinking that if they own a professional camera and are good at applying sepia tones on pictures with Photoshop that they're a "photographer."
9:45pm: Idol reality check: You're not an "artist" if you are good at singing other peoples' songs on a national karaoke contest.
9:57pm: Some douche bag contestant does a whinier and more pitchy version of "Lips of an Angel" than the original. And they liked it! Even Simon! I've lost all faith in the show.
February 25, MMX
8:00pm: I'm actually watching tonight because it's the elimination show and I feed on their tears. It nourishes my bitchiness.
8:01pm: Oh, I'd like to add I'm watching it with the sound off. Apparently, last night was DREADFUL. I also don't want to deal with all the BS that comes along with elimination shows...
8:05pm: ...like the group performances. Ugh. I'd rather staple my own eyes shut. At least that way I wouldn't feel as bad because I'd be inflicting the pain on myself.
8:21pm: Allison from last season performs. Since I don't have the sound on, I can't hear how well she's doing, but, when I was at the mall the other day, her video was playing in a tweeny-bopper store and a little piece of me died.
8:46pm: Kris Allen also performs. Don't they save the winner from last season for the big stage? Did Blind Scott cancel?
8:58pm: The two guys that got eliminated...I'll just assume they sucked ass and deserved it. However, America eliminated two moderately talented girls and kept the two that totally bombed. This is why I'm never bringing kids into the world.
February 24, MMX
I'm not watching Idol tonight because
A.) It's my friend's birthday so I'm going out. Yes, on a Wednesday.
and
B.) Speedskating is on in the meantime.
so
C.) Suck it.
February 23, MMX
8:02pm: Let's see how much I care about tonight. This season will be lucky if it gets a Taylor Hicks out of it.
8:03pm: So, there are 24 contestants that perform today and tomorrow. On Thursday, it will drop down to 20 and so on and so forth until they get to 12. This means I have to deal with semi-final talent for three, long, agonizing weeks.
8:08pm: Hey, they have a new font this year for the pop-ups that show you what number to call. Pretty bad if I'm noticing that over the talent...and I'm throwing that term around loosely.
8:12pm: Contestant Paige was sewn into her dress and has been waiting "like five hours" to go to the bathroom. Um, you're wearing a dress. You don't have to take off the whole dress to pee.
8:32pm: Welcome to Mediocre-fest 2010. I'd so rather be watching the Olympics. For the past ten days, I've been creeping on Apolo Ohno like a pro. Medal, please!
8:33pm: And I'm missing bobsledding! I mean, there's no Jamaicans this year, but still!
8:36pm: Seacrest is looking a little thick. Maybe he should quit a job or six and do some crunches.
8:38pm: Hi, I'm Lilly Scott and I sing Beatles songs and wear peacock feather earrings because I'm soooo hip and edgy.
8:52pm: I wonder if I can text or call in and vote for the show to just end now...
8:54pm: Oh boy, let's ruin another Beatles song. I bet Paul McCartney wishes he never lost control over the Beatles' catalogue.
8:57pm: Ellen loved this girl's performance (I'll learn their names when they make it to the Top 12 and I start caring). Simon hated it. We picked someone with no musical background why?
9:04pm: Anyone see that South Park where the boys got a goat from Afghanistan and everyone thought the goat was really Stevie Nicks? Yeah, that goat could have done a better job singing "Landslide" than this girl.
9:20pm: This chick's vest looks familiar... Oh, so that's where my grandmother's hand-knit afghan went.
9:30pm: This other chick doesn't know what the term "dark horse" means. Someone tell her it's a euphemism for the horses that get sent to the glue factory.
9:55pm: I got nothing.
February 17, MMX
9:05pm: Finalist Janell refuses to hug the judges that put her through to the next round, but is willing to make out with Ryan Seacrest. You ungrateful bitch.
9:08pm: This generation's Phil Collins made it through to the next round. He's a big fan of 70s rock. I'd be more inclined to root for him if he didn't have Jay Leno chin.
9:10pm: It's nice to see Kris Allen doing such a good job as Ford's spokesperson. He'll need that back-up career when his singing career fails in two months.
9:17pm: Some girl's young son was woken up to see that his mom made it through to the next round. I'd be so pissed if I were him.
9:58pm: I didn't want to sit at work and watch the rest of Idol so I didn't. If you want to find out the entire top 24, go to fox.com...and get a life.
February 16, MMX
8:00pm: Two hours? I want to watch the Olympics. At least those American idols still have careers when the games are over.
8:08pm: This episode is going to be the slow and painful death of me.
8:10pm: It's Uncle Phil from "Fresh Prince!" He's in a commercial for... Kaplan University? Disappointing.
8:12pm: So, they're doing the usual group is divided into three rooms shtick. Everyone's sitting in silence. It's like one big ol' awkward fest.
8:16pm: This chick has dreads, plays acoustic guitar, and has one of those harmonica things around her neck like Neil Young. Ten dollars says she doesn't shave her legs.
8:17pm: This kid plays ukulele. Bad. Ass.
8:18pm: By the way, if I never hear "I'm Yours" again, I'll be the happiest person ever. If I do hear it again, I'm gonna have to hunt down Jason Mraz.
8:21pm: A few people have already sung Michael Jackson songs. I hope we don't have to suffer through another Michael Jackson week just because he died.
8:31pm: I don't think they should let the singing cop go through to the next round because he's doofy looking.
8:36pm: Someone wake me up when they start crushing the contestants' hopes and dreams.
8:54pm: Room One is in. Ellen dresses like one of the male professors I had in college.
9:02pm: Room Two is out and Room Three is in. Now, the judges will narrow down the 46 to 24 by re-watching all of the contestants' auditions. Why didn't we just eliminate two of the rooms instead of one? We're in a recession! That's one good way to cut payroll!
9:11pm: To further narrow the contestants down, they will walk from the holding room alllllllll the way to the stage, one by one, and then sit down for a little job interview with the judges. Could we make this anymore drawn out? Of course we can. It's American Idol.
9:28pm: Ellen is getting more and more obnoxious with every show and I still have the majority of the season ahead...
9:37pm: As they are interviewing one of the contestants, I see another contestant three rows back that has skeleton makeup on. Why aren't we giving more attention to the crazies?!
9:47pm: Just read a rumor that celeb chef Paula Deen will be a guest judge on Idol. Apparently, musical talent or understanding is no longer criteria for judging a singing competition.
9:58pm: Only seven of the 24 finalists were revealed tonight. The other 17 will be revealed tomorrow. This is what I call poor planning.
February 10, 2010
9:00pm: Oh, boy, Group Day. It's like back in kindergarten when they graded you for playing well with others.
9:04pm: Some group named themselves "The Dreamers." They should have just called themselves "Unimaginative."
9:09pm: Great. This group is gonna ruin "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga. I don't feel as bad about it because the one chick has slut hair except she has a layer of pink hair underneath her blonde hair instead of the normal dark hair underneath blonde hair.
9:12pm: Group drama, groups copying each other, blah, blah, blah. It's the same damn thing every year. They should just nix televising Group Day unless someone kills their group members in their sleep.
9:14pm: I stand corrected. TWO groups are going to ruin "Bad Romance." The only person that should be ruining that song is me after a long night of drinking, laying down in the backseat of my friend's car, trying not to pass out, while shoving Big Macs in my mouth.
9:21pm: Another team calls themselves "Team Awesome." I guess "Team Douchebag" was taken.
9:23pm: Ryan says that the contestants are "mentally drained and physically exhausted" and they have a "tough challenge" ahead. Maybe he shouldn't have said that in front of the contestants. Or, if he did, he could have kicked a few of them in the balls and spit on them while he was at it.
9:25pm: I finally get it. They do Group Day to see how well these monkeys can do the lame ass group performances once they make it to the finals.
9:32pm: The two groups singing "Bad Romance" are fighting. You would think there would be more sequins and feathers involved with people fighting over something this gay.
9:42pm: Some girl freaks out, packs her stuff, and leaves minutes before her group performs because she "didn't want to be humiliated."
9:44pm: Ugh, good thing she did. Her former group just trainwrecked.
9:59pm: So where can I get back the hour of my life I just wasted?
February 9, Oh-10
Ok, so I was wrong. That episode last Wednesday wasn't a recap, but
new footage from each city combined in one episode. Oh well. I'll
guarantee nothing important happened.
8:00pm: Ugh, Hollywood Week blows. They need to find a way to make it
more interesting...
8:01pm: Ryan says that "this is the moment we've all been waiting for"
because Ellen's officially here. This better stay "American Idol" and
not turn into "Old Lesbians Who Aren't Funny."
8:03pm: Ryan and Ellen come face to face. For Ryan, it was like he was
looking into a mirror if he got his hair highlighted.
8:05pm: Seacrest explains that this is a sudden death round. Ok, I'm interested.
8:06pm: Not the death that I thought it was gonna be. The judges
separate people into two lines and one line makes it and the other one
doesn't. They could at least drag people off with hooks...or
taser-wielding robots.
8:09pm: The rejects should be picked off crane game style and then
flung into the LaBrea Tar Pits! I'd pay to see that.
8:12pm: Andrew Garcia sings Paula Abdul's "Straight Up." Genius. He
might as well have just come out with middle fingers a-blazing.
8:15pm: Our favorite hick from Tennessee, Vanessa, thinks the terminal
at LAX is "so fancy!!" I'll give her a break on this one. This is the
first time she's seen vending machines. And automatic doors. And light
bulbs.
8:23pm: Montage of all the "sob story" contestants who are getting
cut. Damn it, you're not supposed to make me feel bad for the rejects.
8:25pm: Montage of people sucking at playing instruments. This is bad.
Some of them would actually sound better if they were played by
smashing them into the nearest hard object, i.e., Ryan's botoxed face.
8:28pm: The cliché rocker chick from LA made it to the next round. I
hope she doesn't make it to the final twelve. I can't stand a full
season of Pink and Kelly Clarkson songs.
8:29pm: Oh, this is hilarious! Ellen keeps telling the contestants to
take a step forward and then back and keeps mixing up the two lines,
but they're all safe! So funny! I hate my life.
8:30pm: Part two. Day two. Same thing. Bangs head. On desk.
8:34pm: Contestants should be eliminated by having trap open
underneath them, dropping them into flowing magma leftover from the
movie "Volcano." I know what you're saying, "Contestants shouldn't be
killed off due to their lack of talent." In my defense, not only would
this be highly entertaining, think of the job openings this would
create!
8:37pm: Dude is missing the birth of his child to audition. No
pressure to do well or anything.
8:38pm: Ew, he's singing John Mayer. That child should be put up for
adoption IMMEDIATELY.
8:45pm: Oooo, it's the hot guy that survived cancer and he's playing
the piano. It'd be better if he played the guitar, but I can deal. I,
however, cannot deal with the fact that he is sucking super hard right
now.
8:46pm: Crap, he didn't make it. Well, there goes my eye candy for the season.
8:48pm: There should be a sniper, hiding in the balcony. If you don't
have a bullet in your head by the end of your audition, you made it.
8:49pm: This guy sings "The doctor gave me medicated lotion, but it
didn't sooth my emotion." Too bad the line "But it cleared up my
Chlamydia, so that's good," doesn't rhyme.
8:51pm: Good God, how many of these people brought acoustic guitars?
I'm not impressed until I see someone plug into a Marshall stack and
ride the lightning.
8:58pm: This chick got a tramp stamp of her son's name before she came
to Hollywood. I bet she can't wait to show that off to the next guy
that's drilling for oil in her back country.
February 2, Oh-10
8:01pm: Apparently, Chris Daughtry was discovered here in Denver. From the stock footage of him, I can see what appears to be his name tattooed in huge letters across his back. Is that so they can identify his body after he dies in the plane crash that is his newest CD?
8:02pm: Posh Spice again? You seriously can't tell me that the other Spice Girls were busy and couldn't make it.
8:03pm: Mark Never-Got-His-Last-Name-Oh-Well says that when he was younger, his mother abducted him and took him from Alaska to Maui to North Carolina -- to pretty much every state. Is his mom Carmen Sandiego?
8:07pm: Mario Galavon is a nicotine addictions counselor. His nervous laugh tells me this is his fifth time trying to quit and has been off cigarettes for only three days. Btw...the way his says his name reminds me of the N64 Mario. "Hey! It's-a me! Mario!"
8:09pm: You know, with the long jacket, baggy pants, and his Italian hairiness, he kinda looks like a terrorist.
8:13pm: Montage of pissed off, swearing contestants. Some dude says he was taken out in handcuffs. Why did we not see footage of this?!
8:15pm: This chick sings to Simon that she'll buy him Rogaine when he goes bald. You shouldn't be talking when you're wearing that cheap-ass wig.
8:25pm: I feel bad for this guy, Casey. He was in a motorcycle accident and the doctors told him that he'd never be able to play guitar again. However, that goes away when I realize he's boring and unattractive.
8:26pm: Kara tells Casey to take off his shirt. So not impressed. And he has a five o'clock shadow on his chest. Someone forgot to manscape...
8:29pm: Contestant Tori's sister (or something) drew portraits of the judges. They're pretty accurate, except her Simon drawing is missing his signature down-the-middle hair part.
8:36pm: Austin Paul studies music composition and plays football in college. Oh, and he looks like every guy that I hated in high school.
8:37pm: Austin says he's the long snapper for his school's football team, which means he's like one step above the water boy.
8:38pm: After an awful audition, he says "I'm a great singer and composer!" I think he's played a few too many games without wearing a helmet.
8:39pm: Kenny Everett says, "I'm the world's best singer." Oh, this is going to be good.
8:40pm: Kenny also says that he sings in parks in his hometown and it really brings the community together -- as in people gather in the park and throw rocks at him like it's a team sport.
8:41pm: Kenny: "How can four people tell you you're a bad singer when you know you're good?!?" Kenny, have you ever heard of the saying "majority rules"?
8:43pm: Commercial for that new Valentine's Day movie. If a boyfriend of mine ever proposes to me on Valentine's Day, I'm going to punch him in the throat.
8:47pm: This contestant starts beat boxing/speaking gibberish, which prompts Simon to say, "It's like having Paula back on the show." Fox, please let me have Simon's job when he leaves.
8:59pm: The last contestant of the day is Ty Hemmering, who's wearing a bikini and sings "Achy Breaky Heart." Well, at least he waxed.
9:00pm: According to Fox's website, tomorrow's Idol will be "a final look at all of the Season 9 auditions." F that, I'm going out drinking.
January 27, Oh-10
8:02pm: Doogie Howser is the guest judge and his goal is to shatter
the dreams of thousands. Did you think he was nice? How do you think
he ended up being a child genius? Shattered dreams fuels his genius.
8:04pm: Julie Kevelighen tried out during the very first season of
Idol and totally bombed, but she's back and she says she took some
acting lessons to help with her singing. I hope she never reproduces.
8:05pm: I can't decide if she killed and skinned a mermaid for her
outfit or if she beat up an 80-year-old Vegas hooker to get it.
8:07pm: This season sucks. There. I officially said it.
8:10pm: Ryan: "Contestant Lloyd has Texas-sized talent." Just because
he's fat, you have to say he's Texas-sized. Ryan, I'm so disappointed
in you.
8:12pm: Kara's acting a little too much like Paula tonight. I guess
they have to do something with all the painkillers and booze that
Paula left behind.
8:13pm: Lloyd makes it through to the next round. "I wish you could
taste what I can taste right now." Corn dogs?
8:15pm: Tonight, it's Simon and Neil Patrick Harris that are feuding.
But, instead of it being catty like Kara and Katy last night, they're
more like the married couple that's on the verge of divorce that show
up to parties and they hang around each other all night, but when one
says something the other disagrees with, they just roll their eyes and
sigh. Oh, it may look like a slightly tense situation now, but wait
till the car ride home when they're screaming at each other and the
night ends with Neil sobbing uncontrollably and telling Simon that he
doesn't make him feel pretty anymore.
8:26pm: Erica started her musical career out as a kid on Barney. (Do
you remember her? Neither do I.) So, to "show people she's grown up,"
she shows up to the audition dressed as a dominatrix complete with
whip. Well, she is a grad student. She's gotta pay off those student
loans somehow.
8:28pm: After Erica's racy audition, they show Barney wishing her
well. "Just remember, Barney loves you...oh, and money's on the
dresser, bitch."
8:33pm: Dave Pittman has Tourettes!
8:34pm: Oh, it's not the fun, swearing kind of Tourettes though :(
8:37pm: Ugh, Joe Jonas is the guest judge for Idol's second day in
Dallas. He may have millions of dollars, but at least I know what it's
like to have sex. I win.
8:42pm: Ryan says Joe Jonas is a "heartthrob." He looks like a muppet to me.
8:48pm: Where's all the suck? This blows.
8:52pm: Vanessa Johnston wants to be positive during her entire
audition so that people watching her on TV can feel positive like her.
Honey, there aren't enough drugs in the world to make me as perky as
you.
8:54pm: She looks like Barbie's fat sister, Susan, dressed in pink and
purple 80s workout gear. Chew on that mental image for a while.
8:56pm: Why do all the sucky people beg for a chance to sing different
songs? If you suck doing one, you're gonna suck doing any and all
other songs you want to sing. Just save us the misery.
January 26, 2010
8:02pm: Avril Lavigne is the guest judge for the first part of the LA auditions. Really? Because if she tried out for Idol, I bet she wouldn't even get past the first round.
8:03pm: Neil Goldstein, a self-proclaimed geek, says he has an IQ of 168. You know, if you take one of those IQ tests online, it doesn't count in real life. You should have points taken away from you if you think those results are real readings.
8:05pm: Neil is going to sing a song by Meatloaf. He may not have the voice down, but if Meatloaf is ever in need of a body double...
8:07pm: Ryan: "It wasn't Neil's time to shine." What Ryan should have said was, "It wasn't Neil's time to shine in the music world, but the oil slick on his face was shiny enough to make up for it."
8:15pm: Some Asian dude is singing "Kung Fu Fighting." Is that, like, reverse racist?
8:16pm: Damien Lefower is wearing a suit to his audition. He looks like he just got fired from his banking job or some other office monkey career.
8:17pm: Damien tells Simon he makes sandwiches for a living (not shocked) and that pepperoni is "huge! The hot thing in sandwiches right now!" That would explain him getting fired from his banking job. "Pepperoni stock is through the roof!! Buy, buy, BUY!!"
8:19pm: Ryan says that, after the commercial, we'll find out if Idol has discovered the next Adam Lambert. Is he straight?
8:24pm: Some rocker chick auditions. Simon: "You are a walking cliché." Avril: "I like you. You're so punk rock." I think this situation sums up Avril's career perfectly.
8:25pm: Montage of Adam Lambert look-alikes. Some of them are hot, probably still gay but...hey, wait, I think I know that guy, maybe. Or maybe I just WANT to know him. Hi-yo!
8:27pm: An Adam Lambert look-alike (if Adam got hit in the face with a shovel repeatedly and gained all of his Idol weight back) named AJ Mendoza says that he actually shopped a demo to Adam.
8:29pm: AJ says he doesn't understand why the judges didn't like him because Adam told him he really liked the demo. No. You heard him wrong. He said he'd really like for you to stop sending him demos.
8:32pm: For day two of the LA auditions, Katy Perry is the guest judge because I'm assuming Avril couldn't get out of her shift at Wendy's.
8:33pm: The three main judges arrived to the audition by helicopter. I'm surprised Randy made the weight limit.
8:35pm: Austin Fullmer wouldn't mind if people touched him while he was on stage because he's a very sexual person. He looks sticky.
8:36pm: When his British faux-punk version of "I Want You to Want Me" fails miserably, he asks if he can sing some ELO instead. Oh, yeah, that's so much better.
8:37pm: Katy asks if the contestants are frisked before they come in. You know, if they were smart, they'd do that.
8:47pm: Contestant Jason Greene says he believes in magic. Um, he looks like Buffalo Bill from "Silence of the Lambs."
8:48pm: Jason sings "I Touch Myself" for the judges. I think after that performance he has to register as a sex offender.
8:50pm: After his rejection, Jason gives Ryan his number, which Ryan quickly passes on to Chris Hansen of "To Catch a Predator" fame. See you on Dateline, Jason Greene!
8:56pm: Katy Perry and Kara have not been getting along. Kara starts singing one of Katy's songs, which prompts Katy to tell her to stop singing "or I'll throw my Coke in your face." I think we've found Simon's replacement!
8:58pm: Kara wants to pass a contestant through to the next round because he's been through so much heartache in his life. Katy: "This isn't a Lifetime movie." I have so much more respect for her and her big knockers after this.
8:59pm: Preview of tomorrow's auditions...Joe Jonas...Neil Patrick Harris...blah blah blah...Barney the Dinosaur is trying out?! Stop the auditions! Contest OVER!
January 20, 2010
8:01pm: Kristen Chenoweth is the guest judge? Who?
8:02pm: Randy, Ryan, and Simon are really tired because they flew in
from partying in Miami the night before. Please, I've been way more
hungover than that and still been able to work properly the next day,
minus the bitching and $300 sunglasses.
8:03pm: Theo Glinton comes in for his audition covered in sequins and
feathers. It looks like a flock of geese got hit by a gay pride
parade.
8:05pm: Kara: "You're singing was way too over the top." You couldn't
figure out that was gonna happen before he opened his mouth?
8:11pm: OMG! Kara and Kristen are BFFs 4evahhhhh! Simon probably wants
to stick a pencil in his eye right now because I know I do.
8:17pm: Ryan says this is the most dramatic episode yet. Really?
Because this is a whole lotta boring.
8:22pm: Contestant Jermaine is trying out for the second time. He
tried out before, didn't make it, but wasn't surprised of the outcome.
So we're back why?
8:26pm: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..................
8:28pm: I thought Florida was full of serial killers and senile old
people. Where are all the crazies?!
8:32pm: Because they're in Orlando, it's the happiest place on earth
and dreams can come true and blah blah get a real job.
8:33pm: Jay Shore half beat boxes, half sings "Come Together." He
sounds like Porky Pig.
8:34pm: Simon is soaking wet due to spitting from Jay. No one was
available to run to Sea World and borrow a tarp?
8:35pm: Randy says Jay is like former Idol runner up Blake Lewis. Both
of them can beat box and will never have a career that doesn't involve
the question "What air freshener would you like after your car wash?"
8:37pm: Cornellius Edwards had friends that were strippers teach him
how to dance. Someone wheel out the pole and get your dollar bills
ready!
8:38pm: He does a split, rips his pants, and probably his junk in the
process. He looks shocked. Well, your stripper friends probably didn't
think that would happen seeing as how they have no clothes on when
they do that move so...
8:39pm: Cornellius makes it and Ryan picks up his younger brother in
celebration, who immediately starts crying. It's ok, buddy. I was
scared of Santa's elves when I was your age, too.
8:44pm: Two sisters are trying out together. Fifteen bucks says one
doesn't make it.
8:47pm: We didn't shake on it so I don't owe you anything. Besides, I
need the money since this gig doesn't pay jack.
8:48pm: Jared Norrell says he's got a "buzz going on and getting
this car started." He's high.
8:49pm: Jared chooses to sing "Amazing Grace" because "you gotta give
it up to God." Yeah, God called and said he doesn't know who you are.
8:50pm: It's a no and he's refusing to leave so he gets dragged out in
handcuffs by security. It's like Cops minus the meth! I know I said
he's high but it doesn't look like he's been up tweaking for three
days straight.
8:56pm: The last dude of the day (so you know he's gonna make it to
Hollywood) robbed a bank at 15 with a BB gun and spent four years in
jail. Are we supposed to feel sorry for his dumb ass?
January 19, 2010
8:02pm: Ryan begins by comparing Idol contestants to President Barack
Obama. I don't think that's accurate. I'd put money on the fact that
90% of those contestants aren't even smart enough to identify the
three branches of government. (Judicial, executive, and legislative!
Booya!)
8:03pm: While waiting in line, some contestant says, "I wanna be
America's Next Top Model!! ... I mean Idol!" You're too fat for
either. By the way, you totally made my point above.
8:04pm: Shania Twain (who's not American nor musically relevant)
reveals she peed herself during an audition when she was younger. I
hope someone has a mop standing by.
8:06pm: The first contestant sings "Syrup and Honey." No, Randy, don't
get excited. It's not lunch time yet.
8:11pm: Chicago is known as the "Candy Capital of the World." Explains
all the fat asses auditioning.
8:12pm: Contestant Amy Lang is excited to meet Seacrest because he was
the first celeb that she had an inappropriate dream about. She ate him
with a side of mashed potatoes and a whole cake.
8:13pm: I bet she's some gay dude's fat, desperate BFF.
8:16pm: Amy says her hidden talent is that she can move her boobs up
and down while she sings. Does she not see that everything else moves,
too? And that includes her chins.
8:21pm: Post-commercial, a contestant waiting in line outside sings
the phrase "Welcome back to Idol." Can we kick her out before she gets
inside? I'm sure the judges would appreciate the break from the
assault on their ears.
8:22pm: Medley of awful singers. I wonder if the judges stuff their
ears with cotton to keep them from bleeding...
8:23pm: This dude's dressed like Carlton Banks from "Fresh Prince of
Bel Air," doing the Carlton dance, and singing "It's Not Unusual."
God, Alfonso Ribeiro needs a job. Will Smith, why aren't you helping
your friend?!?!
8:24pm: Angela Martin is trying out for Idol for the third time. The
first time, she made it to Hollywood, but left because her dad died.
The second time, she made it to Hollywood, but left because she had a
warrant for her arrest. Where do they find all these felons? Do they
give day passes from jail for Idol tryouts?
8:25pm: Angela makes it again. Tell your parole officer before you
leave the state, dear.
8:27pm: Only eight people from first day make it to Hollywood. I
wonder if the strong Chicago wind damages hearing... Wear those
earmuffs, kids.
8:33pm: A contestant waiting in line says, "I would guess there are
about one million people here." It's 12,000. Don't enter in any jelly
bean counting contests and go back to remedial math.
8:34pm: Randy: "Chicago has produced great talents like Kanye West."
America's Next Top Douchebag?
8:35pm: Idol hopeful Curley (real name by the way) is a rather
large man and is dressed in all white. I think this may be the Stay
Puft Marshmallow Man's long lost brother from another mother.
8:36pm: Minutes after her performance, Alannah Halbert had blocked all
of the judges' criticism out of her memory. She'll be back on the
streets, singing with her band of cats in no time.
8:37pm: While Brian Krause (from Pittsburgh!) was in the Army, his
sergeant told him that it was a rule that you couldn't sing while in
uniform. Um, I don't think that's a rule for anyone else but you.
8:38pm: Hey, Brian, Mr. Ed wants his teeth back.
8:39pm: Why are his eyes rolling back in his head while singing? Is he
possessed or having a seizure?
8:43pm: Harold Davis looks and sounds like a bad Usher knock off. And
what did I tell you people about singing your own back up vocals?!
8:45pm: Harold: "I'm bad because my allergies are acting up." And
sometimes my blogs aren't funny because I get a hangnail and it hurts.
8:47pm: John Park's parents didn't want him to become a voice major
because they want him to have a job when he graduates. This is coming
from personal experience: listen to your parents, buddy.
8:48pm: Shania tells mildly attractive John that he has a "nice bottom
end." In her defense, she is recently divorced and trapped in Canada
with only Dudley Doright and hockey players who have enough porcelain
in their mouth to build a full bathroom to choose from.
8:54pm: Paige Dichausse's grandma rented a limo so the whole family could
come watch her audition. Can someone please explain to me why your
family of 20 needs to come with you to this?
8:55pm: Paige had a near death experience when she had a super bad
asthma attack that closed most of her throat. The happy ending is that
she lived. Best part of the story: In the article covering her story
in the local newspaper, her corresponding picture had her wearing an
A-smith shirt!!!
8:59om: Only 13 people from Chicago made it to Hollywood. Idol's never
coming back there again. Oh, and it's Orlando tomorrow night, not
Miami. Whatever. They're both hot and there's a lot of cocaine. In Orlando, they call it "pixie dust."
January 13, 2010
8:02pm: Mary J Blige is a judge tonight. At least she's qualified. I'm looking at you, Posh.
8:03pm: Dewone Robinson decides to sing an original song of his. That's a duet. By himself. Well, I guess it's not really by himself because I think those pleated pants he has on can stand up and sing on their own.
8:07pm: Oh, it looks like the cops are getting called! It's CSI: Atlanta.... YYYEEEAAAHHH!!!
8:12pm: Kela Johnson chooses to sing the song from Titanic. I believe singing any Celine Dion song should be cause for automatic disqualification. Also, wearing bright yellow pants with purple sneakers should be cause for automatic disqualification.
8:14pm: There's some chick singing a Hannah Montana song better than Hannah Montana. Or, wait, is it Miley? Which one's the blond again?
8:15pm: Simon asks contestant Jermaine Salles what he's going to do for them. "Sing! I'm gonna sing." You mean this isn't the tap dancing competition?
8:20pm: Has anyone else noticed that Luke Wilson gets fatter and fatter in every AT&T commercial that he does?
8:23pm: Kristen Marie, who's an ATL TV host, sings "Love is a Battlefield." God, I hope she's just doing this to spike ratings and isn't serious.
8:24pm: Kristen: "Music is my passion!" Oh, she is serious. Well, hell, I'll take your TV show then.
8:27pm: Vanessa Wolfe of Tennessee enjoys jumping off of bridges and shopping at the Dollar Store in her spare time. Hey, she even got her Idol dress there for $4.50. Yee haw.
8:29pm: Vanessa: "I'm going to Hollywood! And I'm going to ride an aero-plane!!" Yeah, they have ce-ment ponds there, too, so that's exciting.
8:37pm: Jesse Hamilton has almost died three times. He also says that no one's ever heard him sing but his mom. I have a feeling he's going to die of embarrassment today.
8:38pm: He's still standing there, silently. Are you gonna sing or what?
8:39pm: Oh, he forgot the words. Fantastic. Where's the gong?
8:40pm: Mary J was in hysterics the whole time Jesse was...well...not singing. I like her.
8:42pm: In his post interview, Jesse says the judges "crucified" him. Oh no, he's still living after that which means he's the second coming! Explains why he's not dead yet.
8:47pm: Holly Harden is dressed up like a guitar. Good thing she's not playing herself while singing because that would lead to more FCC complaints.
8:50pm: The judges put her through? Apparently Paula wasn't the only one showing up drunk to work.
8:58pm: Some dude that calls himself "Skii Bo Ski" has made friends with the guitar girl before their auditions. He has his "name" on his shirt and Kanye West maze hair. Well, freaks of a feather...
9:00pm: Skii Bo Ski (God, what a stupid name) tells the judges "I'm like the Dollar Store. You can go and get everything you want for a dollar!" Way to set the bar high for yourself there.
9:03pm: BFFs since third grade, Carmen and Lauren, are confident that they will both make it to Hollywood. You know this isn't going to end well.
9:04pm: Simon says he votes both of them on as long as they perform under the act "The Ditz Sisters." I'm gonna miss him.
9:06pm: Well, of course, Carmen makes it and Lauren does not. Carmen goes to give Lauren a hug and Lauren doesn't return it. I see the rift forming already. *evil laugh*
9:13pm: During someone's just god-awful performance, Mary J yells "Oh, God!" Someone get her a contract to sign.
9:14pm: There's a cop trying out for Idol. No one's getting arrested. Liars!
9:15pm: Simon leaves for a couple of hours, leaving the other three judges alone. Foreshadowing?
9:17pm: Lamar Royal continues to sing horribly and is refusing to leave, causing him to be escorted out of the building by security. Mary J: "I thought he was gonna pull out a gun!" Oh, if only, Mary.
9:19pm: After Lamar's long rant about how Idol sucks, Mary J sucks, and the world sucks, he says mournfully, "I miss Paula." That's it, let those feelings out. But no shooting.
9:25pm: "The General" Larry Platt performs his original song "Pants on the Ground" about how he doesn't like these young whipper snappers wearing baggy pants. I like him. Is he homeless?
9:27pm: We find out the General is 62 and therefore can't technically be considered for Idol. That begs the question, "Who let him in?" More importantly, why didn't anyone let him take his tambourine in with him?!?!
January 12, 2010
8:01pm: I like how in the opening credits when they say "And a star was born...," they show a picture of Adam Lambert. Even the Idol people know who the REAL winner is.
8:02pm: Preview of things to come during auditions. Some dude gets security called on him. This is gonna be good!
8:04pm: It's raining in Boston and these two girls put a garbage bag over their heads to keep them dry. At least they were smart enough to cut holes in it.
8:05pm: Posh Spice is the guest judge? Really? What contribution did she ever make musically besides being a good background prop for the Spice Girls? And, honestly, the greatest success she's ever had in her life was marrying David Beckham.
8:06pm: In order to prepare for her audition, Janet McNamara goes in the bathroom, jumps up and down, and screams to herself that she's awesome. She also practiced on the American Idol videogame. She also could have practiced and prepared for this audition by tucking her FUPA in her pants.
8:08pm: WARNING: The American Idol videogame cannot actually measure talent.
8:09pm: Janet says, "Well, Paula always tells me on the videogame that I'm awesome." Well, Paula's not on the show anymore, is she?
8:14pm: Maddy Curtis is one of twelve kids. It's a vagina, not a clown car.
8:19pm: One of the Idol hopefuls has been waiting for three hours and is getting pretty impatient. Bitch, bitch, bitch.
8:20pm: Pat Ford (who's a dude) sings a Britney Spears song and he called Simon "Sassy Simon." I see the drag queen profession in his future.
8:21pm: Randy: "I think you should stop singing for forever." Ok, lip-synching drag queen. Hey, it worked for Cher.
8:28pm: Hey! Ey! Shut-upa wit your shut-upa! Amadeo DiRocco is tryin' out for Idol! Ey! Fugghetaboutit!
8:31pm: Amadeo: "There's no need to be mean to people...unless they deserve it." Me thinks that Tony Soprano here has put a few horse heads in bed with his enemies more than once.
8:33pm: Derek Hilton says he's spiritual and he "gradgitated" towards music. You know, for a guy that probably smokes a lot of pot, he's also pretty high strung.
8:34pm: Derek says he likes the singer Chris Brown for the way he "touches young kids all around the world." No, no, no, you're getting your pop singers confused. Michael Jackson touched young kids, Chris Brown beats up girls.
8:35pm: Simon says that the song he sang was pretty catchy. Catchy like toe-tapping? Or catchy like herpes?
8:37pm: Uh oh, waiting room dude is back and he's angry. And he kind of looks like a hipster serial killer. "I could take off my thick framed glasses and beat you to death with them and I wouldn't feel a thing!"
8:42pm: Self-proclaimed anime freak Mere Doyle says she wants to be a big pop star in Japan. Well, I think you're on the wrong show.
8:44pm: After being told she's terrible by all four judges, Mere snaps. "Everyone has told me all my life that I'm good! I've had 14 years of training!" If that's the case, I'd sue and get your money back.
8:46pm: I think Posh is eye-banging all of the male contestants.
8:47pm: Our serial killer, Andrew Fenlin, finally gets to try out after waiting ten hours. He royally messes up "House of the Rising Sun" and blames it on the fact that he's "on edge" from waiting. Oh, I'm sorry, princess. Why don't you go home, get some rest, and we can try again tomorrow?
8:50pm: Simon: "I think you have a weird energy." A-ha! See! Serial killer! I told you!
8:58pm: Boston is home to a lot of music colleges and, therefore, some of the people trying out have degrees in song writing and musical theater. Good luck with your career at McDonald's.
9:01pm: Tyler Grady is a drummer that wants to transition into a lead singer. Buddy, Phil Collins you are not.
9:03pm: Happy official birthday to me. My life sucks.
9:10pm: Oh boy, a basic history of Boston. The sad part is I bet people are learning from this.
9:11pm: Lisa Olivero looks and sounds like Mr. Potato Head has been hit by a Mack truck. Nice ass, though. I'd walk backwards into rooms if I were you.
9:14pm: Mike Davis invites Kara out for steaks after the show. This causes Randy and Simon to walk out. Simon's angry because he wanted a date with that stud. Randy just wanted the free steak.
9:22pm: Katie Stevens wants to try out for Idol because her grandma has Alzheimer's and wants to have success while her grandma still remembers who she is...so she's gonna make it to Hollywood.
9:27pm: Wow, this dude looks like he got hit with the business end of a steel beam in the face. Yikes.
9:31pm: New season of Kitchen Nightmares. Hells! YES!
9:36pm: While serving in a mission in Spain a few years ago, Idol hopeful Justin Williams discovered he had cancer. Oh, and he's damn hot and a great singer. Contest over.
9:38pm: Simon looks like he's got a golden mic stand in his pants after watching Justin. So do I. So do I.
9:44pm: Roberto from Reading, PA looks like the love child of Prince and Dr. Teeth.
9:46pm: Idol protip: If you have a heartfelt back story, you'll make it on to the next round. Producers don't want us feeling good about the tone deaf.
9:54pm: Leah Laurenti couldn't listen to secular music growing up. It's like Footloose but backwards...I think.
9:59pm: I hope that hot guy isn't gay.
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| 1. |
Your Decision |
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| 2. |
Cryin' Like A Bitch |
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| 3. |
It's Not You |
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| 4. |
If You Only Knew |
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| 5. |
Monster |
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| 6. |
By The Sword |
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| 7. |
Snuff |
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| 8. |
Between The Lines |
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| 9. |
The Good Life |
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| 10. |
Give Me A Sign |
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Amazon 